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When I look outside my bedroom window at the clear skies and snow-topped mountains, only one thing comes to mind: the end must be near. Oprah is cancelling her show, it’s almost 2012, my dog gets along with cats and even likes the mail man... Oh yeah, we’re screwed! I don’t know what form our impending annihilation will take: nuclear fallout, zombie attack... take your pick, but the writing is on the wall. But wait, what is that I see on the horizon? Woah! It’s Bill Gates and he brings us five reasons why it will all be okay!

1: When the aliens / zombies attack we’ll be ready

Between Halo, Resistance, Dead Rising, Left 4 Dead, The Conduit, COD: Black Ops, etc., humankind has been training for the inevitable for over a decade. When the aliens finally do show up, they better play nice, because the last time I checked there were millions of Halo players worldwide! For years we’ve been training ourselves to take down plasma-spewing, four-eyed aliens should the need arise. Oh, and don’t get me started on zombies. I personally can’t wait for the zombie apocalypse. I have a sweet ninja sword and everything! When aliens or the undead  finally seek our doom, the nerds will unite! And probably Will Smith too!

2: The highly dexterous will rule us all

Ever been to a StarCraft tournament? What about Quake? Man, those guys are movin’! In the days of remote-controlled warfare, these highly dexterous, Mountain Dew-infused uber-gamers will hack into the global defense grid and force world peace through the barrel of a remote-controlled combat drone a la Terminator. The difference being that as long as we keep them pacified with free electricity and endless quantities of Jolt Cola our newly appointed overlords will let us be. Hail! 

3: Once we invent the "halodeck", it will be over

Playing Mass Effect has shown me just how far games have come, and how wide-reaching the video game market is. As a form of entertainment, video games are nearly on par with films. We all know, however, that video games are still in their infancy. Just look at the Xbox Kinect interface; how long until I get to set up a room in my house that works like the holodeck  from Star Trek: The Next Generation sponsored by Microsoft? Once they install that baby, every major city will turn into a ghost town. I can see the commercial now: “Screw reality!... Your pals at Microsoft!” Of course, by this time Bill Gates' great grandson owns everything on earth, but at least Halo 33 will be AWESOME!!

4: Sony will simply buy us all

Once Sony gets done with systematically eliminating every hacker on earth, they will reintroduce Home to the public, except this time everything will run through the service. After making a deal with Microsoft, even the 360 will run a version of Home. The goal will be to have a system in every household in the world. Once that is complete, people will spend so much time navigating the virtual Internet browser, they’ll forget why they hate other people. Home will do what no government could ever do: unite people under a banner of sheer cool. When the aliens and / or zombies attack, people will just try and sell them copies of Home, and of course I will write about it. The world will be saved because no one will bother to come out of their houses, except maybe the odd delivery guy or two.

5: Facebook credits will replace all currency

Did you know that Facebook credits have a real monetary value? That suggests an exchange rate. The service might be free, but once everyone is on Facebook, people will have to get jobs playing Farmville just to make virtual ends meet. The other day I posted something about eating spinach, and Facebook asked me if I liked spinach... which had its own page. Soon the only way to get spinach will be to ‘like’ it on Facebook! When that happens, I’ll need Facebook credits just to eat! It’s a good thing I spend / waste several hours a day playing ESPN U College Town in preparation for the day when playing the game will be the only way to feed my family. Ultimately, the world will be saved because all our conflicts will be decided virtually. Gee, thanks Facebook!   

So there you have it, what was once a kid’s toy will soon be Skynet, and our lives will be completely co-opted for feeding the machine, but we’ll live. It won’t be so bad having Sony, Microsoft, or Facebook as our overlords; all they want to do is keep us entertained and safe from zombie-alien hybrids that lurk in the shadows of space... Right? Right?

Dante' R. Maddox

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