TO: THE HENCHMEN
FROM: THE BOSS
SUBJECT: GETTING YOUR BUTTS KICKED
DATE: SEPTEMBER 13, 1991
CC: MID BOSS
This email is from your leader, whom you’ve never met because we are a Super Secret Organization! Ha Ha Ha! I don’t even know how you guys cash your paychecks considering they are signed with several question marks! Ha Ha Ha! At any rate I have good news and bad news. The good news is the police have fired those three cops Adam Hunter, Axel Stone, and Blaze Fielding that were closing in on our super secret organization, an organization so super and so secret that I don’t even know what we do. Ha Ha Ha! The bad news is they’ve taken the law into their own hands and are walking through the streets in a rage, beating up gang members at random trying to find us!
The first thing I want you guys (and ladies) to do is get the gang members' guns. I don’t know how we overlooked this but none of the gang members have guns. It’s 1991 for crying out loud, and we are the only city in the country where the gang members aren’t armed! Sure, they have lead pipes, bats, switch blades, and even samurai swords but no guns! If they had guns they could simply shoot these idiots and we could get back to doing whatever it is we do (seriously, I don’t even know. Ha Ha Ha!). Have you seen the news? These guys are literally walking down the street body slamming thugs into the ground with their freaky Kung Fu!
The second issue is something I’ve finally seen for myself. The ex-cops thrive on turkey! So stop leaving turkey lying around where they can find it! I saw surveillance video of the chick (I mean woman, if I get one more complaint from HR…) downing an entire turkey in half a second! All her wounds immediately healed and she proceeded to beat three gang members so badly they friggin disappeared! Dis-a-ppeared!
We are currently unsure as to whether or not they have figured out where we are (with us being so secret and all. Ha Ha Ha!) but it figures that if they keep walking to the right they will eventually find us! So be on your guard. The media is calling this event The Streets of Rage. Why? I have no idea, but it’s better than what they’re calling it in Japan! Can someone tell me what the hell "Bare Knuckle" even means in this context?
Finally, and most disturbing, is we outnumber these jokers like 30 to 1! Why the hell are you guys fighting these trained Karate friggin' masters one or two at a time? Do you enjoy waiting for your turn as they take your friends apart? Why don’t you try, I don’t know, dog-piling these jerks. I’ll tell you what, gang-tackle them and bring them before me. I’ll order some pizza, get a few dozen brews, and we’ll have a party before I shoot them in the head. While you guys are out doing this, I’ll try and scrounge up a gun.
I mean honestly, what kind of Super Secret Criminal Organization doesn’t have a cornucopia of friggin' guns?!?! Who decided to take over what is apparently the safest city in America? I’m sending more henchmen out into the field, and due to our OSHA requirements some of them will be a bunch of morbidly obese guys that we can’t legally fire. So let them go in first and then dog pile!
That is all.